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Filling the hole with
Christ
How God replaced an
addiction with His Spirit
by Charles Luger
I grew up in
Oklahoma and attended church every week. Outside of that hour each week I
never thought much about Jesus, and even during that hour I didn’t give Him
too much thought. When I went to college, I stopped attending church and
would not start attending on a regular basis again until I met my wife-to-be
in 1992. Kim attended First Baptist Church. She asked me to come with her,
so I agreed to come every other Sunday. After a couple of years of
every-other-Sunday attendance, I took the "big step" of coming every Sunday.
I think I sometimes forgot whether I had gone the week before or not, and
then, before I knew it she had me there every Sunday!
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For 13 years I
"faithfully" came to church, rarely missing a Sunday. I figured
since I was a regular attendee I was in pretty good shape… certainly
better off than those who never attended church, right? Not at all!
It made no difference how many Sundays out of the year I sat in a
pew, even if I hit all 52 of them. Over the course of 13 years I
estimate I sat thru more than 600 sermons…but I doubt I really ever
heard one of them.
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I sat thru more than
600 sermons…but I doubt I really ever heard one of them. |
In 1997, Dr.
Flamming married Kim and me. What a great time that was! Kim and I had
become best friends after dating for five years, and we enjoyed our
"responsibility free" (no kids) lifestyle. In 2001, responsibility-free came
to an end when we were blessed with the birth of our daughter Anna.
Unfortunately, even
with a wonderful wife and baby, something was just not complete within me.
Perhaps I can best describe it as an emptiness or a hole. I attempted to
fill it with a few of those things the world offers: work, play, travel… and
drinking.
The more I tried to
fill the hole, though, the deeper it became. Alcohol seemed to fill the hole
temporarily. Ever since high school, through college and then after college
many of my social interactions involved generous amounts of alcohol. When I
started business school in 1999, I typically had a few glasses of wine most
evenings and much more at social events. By the time I graduated in 2000, it
had increased to around ¾ bottle almost every day. By 2001, I "stabilized"
at about a bottle a day.
I tried to
pretend I had
my drinking under control, but Kim knew that I was
drinking too much.
On November
13,
Christ found
me sitting there in a pew, and
He knocked,
and I
invited
Him in.
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Even
though I knew I was drinking too much, I was not successful in doing
anything about it. I had attempted to quit a few times, but that
never lasted for more than a few days. I tried to drink only every
other day instead of every day. That worked, but not for
long. Eventually my solution was pretty simple - drink as much as I
wanted every day, which meant everything was fine each evening... or
at least it appeared so to me. Sadly, often upon arriving home from
work I would greet the bar before saying hello to Kim or
acknowledging Anna. I tried to pretend I had my drinking under
control, but Kim knew that I was drinking too much. She would make
comments in a subtle and kind, but painfully direct manner that
really made me want to stop. Again, I might quit for a day or two,
but never much more than that. Even after she told me I smelled
like alcohol most of the time I could not reduce my drinking. I
would become angry and mean if anyone interfered with my evening
cocktails, and I was particularly upset if I was ever "caught"
hauling in cases of alcohol to restock the bar. My drinking was
taking a toll on our family.
So despite
going to church almost every Sunday, I was completely lost and
spiritually dead. My unhealthy desires and weaknesses were taking me
– and my family – down a dangerous path. But something was about to
happen that would change my life. |
On Sunday, November
13, 2005, my life changed. If you had asked me on November 12 if I would
ever become a Christian, I would have told you, “Maybe, someday, after I
have a chance to think about it” (as if 25 years or so were not time enough)
and “attend some classes,” as I would always tell Kim. But on November 13,
Christ found me sitting there in a pew, and He knocked, and I invited Him
in. Unlike the prior 600+ sermons I sat thru during which I never really
even considered making a commitment, on this day it felt completely
natural. I knew almost from the start of the service that the day had come,
and as the service continued it was as if a hole opened up in me and I
started filling up with something. I was overcome with a sense of urgency
and power. It was indeed a perfect sermon for someone who was lost –
entitled “Commitment”
– and every word of that sermon seemed to be getting right inside me. It’s
interesting that even though I had sat through sermons for 13 years with
opportunities to accept Christ at every one of them, now when it is only
minutes away until I would make my commitment public, I felt a huge sense of
urgency, like it needed to happen right away.
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What a
wonderful experience it was to go down in front of the congregation
at the end of the service that day! I felt feeble and warm, for lack
of better words. No one else joined that day, which I thought was
strange given how much of an impact I felt. After the service, it
was great to have people from the church line up to greet me, but
then when I saw Kim come up to me crying I just lost it.
Everything
happened so easily that day. Prior to that I would never have
imagined that Christ would walk with me the way He did – and does. I
marvel at how patient and powerful He is. Sometimes over the
previous 13 years, if I had tuned in to the service for awhile, I
would think, “OK, if this thing is for real, give me some sort of
sign… like make the lights flicker or something like that.” (Don't
laugh, I was serious!) It never occurred to me that He doesn't need
to mess around with making something happen outside of you -- He can
just come straight in.
He has done so
much for me since that day. I never asked for the changes that took
place, nor could I have even come up with a wish list to equal
what was simply given to me. The change was so immediate, so
powerful. I love Kim more and have become closer to her than I ever
could have imagined. Anna's response to me became entirely
different. The world around me looked and sounded different. Music
became so much more than sound. |
I would never have
imagined that Christ would walk with me the way He did – and does.
The change was so immediate, so powerful.
My desire to drink had just completely disappeared. |
Initially,
I had a great, warm, calm feeling right in the center of me which
transformed into a subtle, constant, secure, peaceful feeling. I love
reading the Bible; it is so real and alive.
I
am continuing to learn to trust God always; and when I do, it turns out
there really isn't a need to worry about being in control of everything. He
never fails to lead me through the important things.
I
still think about the experience and the wonder of it all. My perception in
the past was too often to see things that were wrong; now I can see how much
is right. My daily encounters with people have become more positive; the way
I interact with people has changed. It feels good to help someone... the
little things like holding a door open, letting someone have a parking spot,
smiling at someone, or just talking and listening. There is a new, strong
bond I feel with the rest of Kim's family (all Christians) now. Every day is
filled with good things that just happen.
As for the alcohol, I experienced a healing for which I am so grateful. When
cocktail hour rolled around on November 13, 2005, I didn't even think
about having a drink. And it wasn't that I said, “OK, I became a Christian
today so I've got to curtail my drinking.” My desire to drink had just
completely disappeared. Instead of filling myself with wine, I was filled
with the Holy Spirit! In a way, I am almost thankful for the struggle I had
with alcohol because it serves as my “make the lights flicker” – whenever
doubt might creep in, there is a very tangible experience I can recall. I
will always be grateful for what He has done for me and my family!
Today I am continuing to benefit from how God has changed my desires. I am
motivated to learn more about Him and make my relationship stronger with Him
through Bible study, fellowship, and worship. Although I am not sure where
He will lead me in the future, I believe that I am learning now so that the
fruit He desires from me will be evident as I carry out the role He has
planned for me as a member of the body of Christ.
If you are struggling with what appears to be an unbeatable addiction,
insurmountable challenge, emptiness, or maybe just a feeling that something
is amiss, know that God can change your life. As I learned, an addiction can
overpower a person, and with time its grip only gets tighter. We were
designed to have God in our life. I cannot imagine any way to beat an
addiction or how one might live life in the way we were designed to live it
except by having a relationship with Christ. I tried it for almost forty
years without Christ, and even though low points and challenges still come
my way, I have never experienced a greater peace, security, and happiness
since Christ moved into my life.
Thank you, Father,
for your free gift and for the desires you have placed in my heart. |
