| |
From fear to trust
by Jen Hawkins
I was nine years old when I walked down the aisle at a Franklin Graham Conference to profess my faith in Jesus. I remember having a jittery, nauseous feeling in the pit of my stomach and before I knew it I was standing in front of the stage. My family was active in our church and my Mom served as our church secretary for ten years.
|
It was a special treat in the summer when I would get to go to work with my Mom. We stuffed bulletins and labeled newsletters. It sounds boring, but I loved it! When we were done, she would give me the church key and I would place the bulletins throughout the church for Sunday morning. After taking a stack to the choir loft, I would head back down the stairs to the sanctuary. There was something peaceful and humbling about standing there in that big, quiet empty room, just God and me. I loved my church!
Our church went through a lot of changes after the pastor that I had grown up with decided God was calling him elsewhere. Several leaders in the church began to act in very un-Christian ways and it seemed that politics had taken over. The summer before my freshman year of college my Mom was asked to resign her position as secretary. Our family was devastated and I left for college that fall wanting nothing to do with “church.”
|
I fought
with God
and let fear paralyze me. |
My college years went by fast and my relationship with God was not what I longed for it to be. I only opened my Bible when things weren’t going the way I thought they should. I never seemed to be able to finish a prayer before I fell asleep. I often felt as if I was treading water, going nowhere.
For several years I fought with God and let fear paralyze me. Fear of failure, fear of what others thought, fear of the unknown, fear of being alone and even fear of following God’s call. I had told God no so many times, I was sure he would quit asking, but he didn’t and he doesn’t!
I want my life
to be used to
share His love
because I
believe that
it is through
loving others
that you feel
God’s love. |
In July 2009, I said yes to God and traveled with ten others from First Baptist Church on a mission trip to St. Croix. We worked with members of a local church facilitating a sports camp for children in the community. Although we were there to play sports, we had been told that the real goal was to build relationships. I made a point that week to be open to all God asked. I played basketball, sang, danced to Father Abraham, jumped off a dock into the ocean, shared my testimony and worshiped God wholeheartedly. That week I was overwhelmed with God’s love and for the first time in a long time, I had no fear. |
It has been a journey from the awestruck, little girl standing in the sanctuary to the person I am today. I am learning to listen to God’s call and truly trusting Him. God is my hope, my love, my salvation, my redeemer and my reason. I want my life to be used to share His love because I believe that it is through loving others that you feel God’s love.
I look back at all that happened with the church I grew up in and I know now that I had put too much faith in people and not enough faith in God. The more that I let go, the more I feel God at work in my life.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will direct your paths.” Proverbs 3:5-6.
|
