| |
Playing Spiritual Catch Up After Almost A Lifetime
by Janet
Hauser
It was 1970 when I landed my first full time job after leaving V.C.U. I was young and single and reveled in my independence, and I shared an apartment with three girlfriends at 2826 Monument Avenue. Situated just across the Avenue, on the next block over, stood First Baptist Church, Richmond. Back then, if anyone had predicted that I would one day walk down the center aisle of
“that” church and publicly profess my faith in Jesus, I may have responded,
“What have you been smoking and have you lost your mind?”
|
So
here I was, almost four decades later in August, 2008, at the 11:00
service of “that“ church, about to face my fear of “the stage.” I
had strategically positioned myself on the aisle seat just a few
rows from the front, waiting until the last verse of the
invitational hymn to make my move and walk down. When Pastor Jim
introduced me, I heard him mention something about my being an
artist but after that, I cannot recall a word because I was nervous
and my focus was on controlling my bodily tremors so I would not
appear to be having some sort of seizure. The pastor’s introduction
probably took half a minute at most, but I thought it would never
end. I survived. Afterwards, people greeted me with such kindness
and warmth and I felt that I had finally made it home.
|
“I can do
all things through
Christ who Strengthens me.”
Phillippians 4:13 |
I was a
product of the 50’s - a “baby boomer” and I believe that my upbringing may
have been fairly typical of that era. We were a middle class family of four
and we attended church every Sunday - my paternal grandmother was the
organist for over 30 years, my dad taught Sunday school, my brother and I
participated in MYF (Methodist Youth Fellowship) and I sang in the youth
choir. Of course, Mom made sure that we were always dressed properly and
that we were punctual. Families ate meals together back then and we were no
exception - there was fun and laughter. Then, there were methods of
discipline. The “physical discipline” might sometimes involve the use of a
leather “prop.” But as I remember, harsh words hurt far worse than “sticks
and stones.” Nevertheless, I still believed at the time, that our family was
happy and “normal.”
“Trust in the Lord with all
your heart,
And lean not
on your own understanding; In all your
ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct
your paths.”
Proverbs 3:5-6 |
Emotional trauma instilled a fear of failure for me early on, and I
became a perfectionist in many ways, which included the art of
“walking on eggshells.” And there began an erosion of spirit that
would influence my decision making for years to come. In the late
60’s I left my childhood home and as I went out on my own and
experienced college life, and married life with family, I continued
my pattern of behavior, and I made many wrong choices in order to
feel accepted and loved.
Fast forward to August, 2005. I felt a sense of sheer desperation in
my body, mind, and soul. I needed help and a plan of action, and
with encouragement of a dear friend, I sought professional
counseling. I learned new words like “co-dependence” and we talked
about “boundaries” and I soon realized just how many of my own
perceptions and thought processes had been somewhat distorted for
much of my life. I made a conscious effort one day at a time, to
apply what I had learned in therapy, and I began to pray to that
“higher power.“ In the process of surrendering all to God, my
suffering and pain did not end. In fact, it became more intense and
almost unbearable at times. Within a 6 month period I had made a
decision to divorce my second husband, I had undergone another
surgery, and my job of almost 9 years had been terminated without
warning at the onset of the mortgage crisis. I was once again single
and self reliant, but not exactly “reveling” in my independence. I
was emotionally, physically, financially and spiritually, crippled.
But I believe that God chose to intervene at this time. I did not
feel anxious, but felt a sense of calm, and within 24 hours of
losing my job, I made the decision to follow my passion, and pursue
a full time career in art. It was now or never and I did not want to
look back on my life and regret that I did little or nothing with my
talent. I began to meditate and pray each morning before going to
work. Commissions trickled in, and in the interim, I received what I
call “divine nudges” to create other paintings. I worked diligently
for long hours. I drew closer to God while creating on canvas and my
broken spirit was finally beginning to heal. In the quiet and
solitude of my studio, Psalm 46:10 was clearly revealed to me: “Be
still and know that I am God.” |
On
February 24, 2008, at the break of day, I had an epiphany. I realized that
my purpose was to bring joy to others through my art and creative expression
- what a simple concept! (From my own experience, I knew that a full time
career in art did not result in obtaining great financial wealth). I began
to see God working in my life - His provisions. There were signs everywhere
- so many and so often, that I could not keep up, so I started jotting
things down in a small spiral notebook and I felt certain joy with each
entry!
It was in late June of last year when I happened to see Dr. Somerville for
the first time, on one of his local TV “commercials”. There was something
about this man’s demeanor that touched me - an authenticity. Just days
later, I was channel surfing on a Sunday morning and I saw him preaching a
sermon and as I listened I was moved. I wondered if I had just caught one of
his “good” sermons. I watched the next week, and again the next. I decided
to visit First Baptist on the following Sunday and be part of the
congregation - that was it for me. I wasted no time and went straight to the
top. I emailed Jim and I asked if I could possibly meet with him, so he
suggested we chat over coffee at Starbuck‘s. One of the first questions I
asked was, “Do I have to be baptized to become a member?” “Glad you asked,“
he said. “Holy Conversations” had been scheduled on the church calendar to
discuss that very subject. The meeting with Jim went well and on the Sunday
after, I accepted his invitation and joined church.
First
Baptist had so much to offer and I signed up for the Divorce Recovery
Workshop. During those Sunday evenings in the church dining hall, I was
encouraged by the stories of others who had experienced their own heartache
and pain. In their public testimony, they clearly demonstrated that there
was reason to hope - that they had found joy on the other side of divorce. I
knew that I was not alone - had never been alone in this human condition of
broken spirit, but I learned that I could be and would be
accepted and loved, and above all, I felt safe.
I was on my way to the 11:00 service one morning, and as I walked past the
chapel and through the prayer garden, I noticed the angle of the sun’s rays
on the cross and the brilliant colors of the flowers and landscaping
beneath. It was divine inspiration in that very moment - I knew that I had
to try and capture this beauty on canvas - to focus on the vertical image of
the cross - to honor Him and all that He had done for me in my spiritual
healing - a way to share the message. I would do a painting and prints, and
a bookmark. When I was a child I had a little bookmark made out of a wide
light green ribbon, and printed on the surface was a small image of Jesus
with verses from “The Beatitudes.” I held onto that bookmark for over 50
years and it still remains tucked between the pages of my “Grace Methodist
Church School” Bible. I wanted to use the same verses for my own “Garden
Cross” bookmark, and this would be my way to spread the Word. God called me
to use my creative gifts with my church family at First Baptist and I am
amazed at His perfect timing. I will continue to pray and ask for guidance
in my service to Him.
I feel that I have been playing “spiritual catch up” after decades of
straying from God and church. It may have taken almost a lifetime, but I
know that I have been forgiven and saved by His grace.
As I continue with this spiritual journey, I hope to be a better example for
my two daughters, even though both are out on their own and finding their
way. My sincerest prayer is that they too, learn to recognize and accept, as
well as respond to and act in accordance with His “divine nudge.”
|
